We've most likely seen grief portrayed in movies. Our mental models of how to grieve are often based on these cultural depictions - someone grieving having spent a long life together with their loved one or soul mate (as in Up) or someone mourning, perpetually dressed in black (as in most films about Queen Victoria).
Whilst, for some, this can be their real expression and experience of grief, it is just one of many ways people process the death of others in their lives. Sometimes though, grief shows up in ways we least expect, leading many to question whether they're "grieving correctly"
This can be impacted by the circumstances in which the other person died, the state of our relationship to them in the period before their death, our own mental health at the time, the stability and strength of our support networks and a whole host of other factors.
Understanding Different Grief Responses
What many don't realise is that grief can wear different masks. You might find yourself:
Throwing yourself into work with intense focus
Becoming the "strong one" who organizes everything
Laughing and telling stories about the person you've lost
Feeling seemingly fine for months before grief hits unexpectedly
Experiencing physical symptoms like fatigue or headaches
Creating new projects or initiatives in honour of your loss
Each of these responses and each pathway is as valid and "normal" as any other.
Research shows that grief isn't a linear process with clear stages but rather a unique journey that reflects our personality, culture, and relationship with the loss.
The Myth of "Getting Over It"
Perhaps one of the most damaging myths about grief is that we should "get over it" within a certain timeframe. This expectation can lead to people hiding their grief, especially when it doesn't match society's expectations. The truth is, grief isn't something we get over – it's something we learn to carry differently as time passes.
Cultural and Gender Influences
Our cultural background and gender socialization play significant roles in how we express grief. For example:
Some cultures celebrate death with feasts and music.
Others reflect in silence.
Some maintain lengthy mourning periods with specific customs.
Men might feel pressure to remain stoic and "strong." They might not.
Women might feel expected to display more emotional responses. They might not.
Understanding these influences can help us recognise and respect different grieving styles.
The Active Griever
One often misunderstood grieving style is the "active griever" – someone who processes loss through doing rather than traditional mourning. They might:
Create memorial projects
Advocate for causes related to their loss
Organize support groups
Channel their energy into physical activity
Focus on helping others who are grieving
These responses aren't signs of avoiding grief but rather different ways of moving through it at different paces. Sometimes grief can be mixed with a desire for new life and new energy.
Supporting Different Grieving Styles
If you're supporting someone who's grieving differently than expected, remember to:
Avoid judgment about their grieving style
Listen without trying to fix or change their experience
Validate their feelings and responses
Offer practical support that matches their needs
Be patient with changing needs and emotions
Remember, grief isn't just about death. We can grieve relationships, opportunities, life changes, and lost dreams. Each type of loss might bring out different grieving styles in the same person.
When to seek support:
While there's no "right" way to grieve, some signs indicate professional support might be helpful:
Persistent thoughts of self-harm
Inability to maintain daily responsibilities long-term
Developing unhealthy coping mechanisms
Complete emotional numbness lasting months
Inability to find any moments of peace or relief
Sources of support:
1. Cruse Bereavement Support Website: www.cruse.org.uk
- Free helpline, online resources, and local support groups
- Offers specialized support for children and young people
2. Marie Curie Website: www.mariecurie.org.uk/support
- Comprehensive grief support including online communities
- Offers information about practical matters after a death
3. The Good Grief Trust Website: www.thegoodgrieftrust.org
- Connects bereaved people with local support services
- Provides personal stories and coping strategies
4. Mind Website: www.mind.org.uk
- Mental health charity with specific bereavement resources
- Information on grief and mental wellbeing
5. Sue Ryder Website: www.sueryder.org/support
- Online counselling and bereavement support
- Community forums and professional advice
All these organizations offer free support services. You can also speak to your GP who can refer you to local bereavement services.
Wider Reading:
1. "It's OK That You're Not OK" by Megan Devine
2. "The Wild Edge of Sorrow" by Francis Weller
3. "Permission to Mourn" by Tom Zuba
4. "Bearing the Unbearable" by Joanne Cacciatore
5. "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman
6. "Modern Loss" by Rebecca Soffer and Gabrielle Birkner
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