Have you ever wondered why we're likely to feel guilty after telling a lie - or after almost anything at all if you were brought up Catholic as I was? Or, have you considered why we might instinctively want to help someone who's hurt? The question of where our morals come from is both fascinating and complex. It's not just about rules we learn – there's something deeper going on that shapes our sense of right and wrong.
Nature's Building Blocks
Typically, our moral foundations start taking shape long before anyone directly teaches us about good and bad. Whilst we need to keep neurodiversity in mind, babies will commonly demonstrate what are perceived by adults to be basic moral preferences and toddlers tend to prefer helpful characters over harmful ones in simple puppet shows. This would suggest some basic moral or communal wiring, in a similar way to which we're born predisposed to learn language.
This pre-wiring makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint.
Early humans who worked together, shared resources, and helped their tribe members were more likely to survive and pass on their genes. Over thousands of generations, these social instincts became largely baked into our DNA. That's why most, though not all, of us feel good when we help others and feel bad when we harm them.
Family: Our First Moral Teachers?
While we might be born with some moral building blocks, our families play a huge role in shaping how we use them.
Long before we understand words like "ethics" or "values," we're learning from how our parents and siblings treat each other. Every "share with your sister," "say you're sorry," "what's the magic word?" and "that's not nice" helps build what might be viewed as our moral framework.
However. it's not just about what our families tell us. We learn even more from watching what they actually do. A parent or carer who promotes honesty but constantly tells "white" lies sends a mixed message that their children can pick up on. The way our family handles conflicts, shows care, and treats others becomes our first template for right and wrong.
Culture's Powerful Impact
Step outside the boundaries of your own family, and you'll find that culture shapes our morals in ways we might not even notice. Different societies have different ideas about:
- What makes something fair or unfair
- How to treat strangers and family
- What we owe to our community
- Which behaviours deserve praise or shame
- How to balance individual rights with group needs
These cultural values seep into us through stories, traditions, media, and daily life.
Cultural values are so deep that we can mistake our cultural moral beliefs for universal truths – often until we encounter people from other cultures who see things differently or we encounter another experience which leads to us seeing another perspective.
The Power of Peers
When we head off to school and start spending more time with people of our own age and away from adults, suddenly what our friends think can begin to matter more than almost anything?
This isn't just teenage drama – though it is partly that - it is also a crucial part of moral development.
Our peers shape our values in powerful ways throughout our lives, often more than we realize.
Childhood and Teenage Years
Children start out mostly caring what their parents think, but around the age of 8-12, peer influence kicks into a much high gear. This shift serves an important purpose – it helps us learn to navigate the broader social world beyond our families.
Through peer relationships, we learn:
- What behaviors get us accepted or rejected
- How to balance loyalty with other values
- When to stand up to group pressure
- How to handle conflicts without adult help
- Which rules matter to our actual social world
Sometimes this peer influence pushes children to break rules and test boundaries. However, it can also encourage positive moral development when friendship groups value kindness, fairness, and standing up for others.
Adult Peer Influence
We don't outgrow peer influence once we're grown up. Our friends, colleagues, and social circles keep shaping our moral choices in subtle but significant ways:
- We tend to adopt the ethical standards of people we respect
- Workplace culture influences what we consider acceptable
- Friendship groups develop shared values about things like honesty, loyalty, and generosity
- Social media exposes us to peer judgment about moral issues and we can choose to embrace difference or locate ourselves in an echo chamber
- Professional communities establish ethical norms for their fields
This isn't always a terrible thing. Having peers who share and reinforce positive values can help us stay true to our principles when it's tough. But it also means we need to choose our social circles thoughtfully – we tend to become more like the people we spend time with.
The Role of Religion and Philosophy
For better or worse, throughout history, religions and philosophical systems have been major sources and enforcers of moral guidance. They provide:
- Stories that teach moral lessons
- Clear rules about right and wrong
- Explanations for why we should be "good"
- Communities that reinforce shared values
- Ways to think about moral dilemmas
Even if you're not religious, the chances are that your moral views have been influenced by religious ideas that shaped your culture. Many secular moral principles have roots in religious teachings that became part of our shared cultural wisdom. Equally, many religious teachings were in part drawn from what was beneficial to those in positions of authority or the community of which they were a part.
Innocence and Experience
As we grow up, we don't just accept what we're taught – we start thinking for ourselves. Personal experiences, education, and reasoning help us further evaluate and develop our own moral compass. We might:
- Question values we grew up with
- Notice contradictions in traditional beliefs
- Learn from mistakes and their consequences
- Develop empathy through diverse relationships
- Think through ethical problems systematically
This process of moral reasoning helps us move beyond simple rules to understand deeper principles. We learn to handle complex situations where different values conflict.
The Modern Challenge
Today's world throws new moral challenges at us that our ancestors never imagined. Social media, genetic engineering, artificial intelligence, and climate change raise questions that don't have easy answers in traditional moral frameworks.
Meanwhile, we're exposed to more diverse viewpoints than ever before. This can make us question our moral certainties but also helps us develop more nuanced and inclusive moral views.
Building Your Own Moral Compass
Understanding where our morals come from doesn't mean we're stuck with them. We can actively shape our moral development by:
- Learning from different perspectives
- Paying attention to our conscience
- Testing our principles against real situations
- Adjusting our views as we learn and grow
Our morals come from many sources – nature, nurture, culture, reason, and experience all play their parts.
The real magic happens when we take all these influences and thoughtfully craft them into a moral compass that can guide us through life's complex choices.
The key isn't finding the "right" source of morality, but understanding how different influences shape our values and using that knowledge to become more thoughtful moral agents. After all, knowing where our moral compass comes from helps us chart a better course forward.
If you'd like to do some great further thinking around this relating to something that's important to you right now, check out my website to find out more about the coaching I do: www.thismoment.org.uk
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